The Unsafe Woman, Editor's Blog | Domestic Violence Goes To Work Every Day

Can We Sentence The Victim?

2009-05-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

Judges have no power over the victim and yet because of the victims own actions she may put herself in further danger by recanting her statement at trial. I recently sat through the following trial.
Ex-husband and wife still work together at the same company. She begins dating another co-worker. She shows up at work one morning after being beaten by the new boyfriend from work and tells her ex-husband her new boy-friend beat her. The ex-husband calls the police. The police come to the workplace take the victims photographs and signed statement that the new boyfriend caused her injuries.
At trial the victim recanted her statement under oath and swore it was not her new boyfriend that caused her injuries. Unfortunately this is all too common according to our local DV prosecutor. Police are called, the victim gives a statement, signs it and then changes her mind after the police leave.
Women have many and varied reasons for changing their minds at trial. I’m sure they all believe that they are doing the right thing. Some victims have been threatened by their abuser to recant, some need the financial support of their abuser and they won’t get that if he is in jail and some may just feel that “any man is better than no man.” The victim knows the abuser best and leaving a violent relationship is extremely dangerous and may even be fatal. But how can we make a victim understand that she has power? The law and an entire community is supporting her and she is not alone in her struggle to free herself from a violent relationship.
This is not victim blaming. It’s victim hoping and praying! Hoping and praying that the victim will understand she doesn’t have to live in free and pain even if it took a judge to sentence her to learn how?

Pamela

Sexual Harassment/Domestic Violence in the Workplace

2009-04-09T17:33:00.000-07:00

I recently read a Blog Post by Nancy Germond entitled Sexual Harassment Training Still a Necessity. In the post she refers to a case where a Queens, New York, jury recently awarded $15 million to a nurse who was allegedly harassed by a physician over a 12-year period. Although hospital officials contend they were unaware of Miller’s behavior, the jury said, "Maybe not." Ordering the physician, Dr. Matthew Miller, 61, and the Flushing hospital to split the cost of the verdict.
She goes on to describe what an organization can do. Review risk policies, refer to a human resource professional, ensure all employees receive a copy of the policy and confirm a receipt. Create a confidential reporting system and ensuring employees that report incidents are not penalized for doing so. Even the appearance of a penalty -- for example, transferring the complainant and not the perpetrator -- can cost your organization.
For those of you that have visited my website and or followed this blog, “Do you get where I am going yet?” Does the above advice sound familiar to you? It could almost be exchanged for domestic violence in the workplace training.
The largest settlement I am currently aware of in a domestic violence workplace incident was as a result of a murder suicide that took place in Tacoma WA. On April 26, 2003, the Tacoma Chief of Police killed his wife and then himself. Crystal Brame suffered years of abuse at the hands of her husband David Brame In the fall of 2005 the city of Tacoma was ordered in a civil suit to pay $12M to Crystal Brame’s family
Neither domestic violence or sexual harassment will be tolerated. It will become increasingly expensive for companies that do not create and carry out good policies, procedures and trainings in violation of the Safety in the Workplace laws to protect their employees.

Pamela

Woman Assaulted By Ex-Husband Sues his Employer

2009-04-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

No, this is not an April 1, joke. The courts are taking domestic violence very seriously. A woman assaulted by her ex- husband with a hammer has filed suit against his former employer claiming he got the hammer he used in the attack from his old workplace. He made threats to employees there that he intended to harm her. The woman suffered numerous contusions, cuts, and injuries to her head, neck, back and leg, a broken finger and vision abnormalities as a result of the attack. Her ex-husband pleaded guilty to attempted murder and was sentenced to a 19-year prison term. Source: Newstime.com March 26, 2009, Danbury CT.
The outcome of this lawsuit is yet to be decided. Whether you agree or disagree with the premise of who’s responsible for supplying the hammer, it does send another message to employers that domestic violence carried into the workplace will not be tolerated.

I'm Not The Violent One, She Is.

2008-12-13T16:09:00.000-08:00

For the second time this year, I made a presentation to a roomful of domestic violence perpetrators. Im sure all 49 of them would rather have been somewhere else than a meeting room at the South Precinct of the Everett Police Department. But the courts and a woman's shelter thought it might be a good idea for them to hear from someone like me, a survivor who has spent years researching lecturing, and writing about domestic violence. And who knows, maybe it did ... but I doubt it. Here's why: At the end of my talk, I went into the hall and was approached by one of the guys in the audience. For a split-second I thought he might go ballistic on me, but then I remembered we were inside a police station. No, what he wanted to tell me ... what he wanted me to really understand ... was that HE wasn't the violent one in his marriage. HE was the victim! It was his wife who attacked him, and because of HER he was going to lose everything! And there it was: he didn't get it. These guys just ... don't ... get ... it, and the cycle of domestic violence continues.

Pamela

Domestic Violence and Thanksgiving Flu

2008-11-30T17:08:00.000-08:00

As a survivor of domestic violence, the trauma – even now, years later – still manages to jump up and bite me. Usually it occurs in the late fall, and it’s always the same: I’m overwhelmed with symptoms not much different than the flu – headache, body ache, moodiness. But the symptoms are also accompanied with a wave of anxiety, fear, and depression. “That’s not the flu,” I think to myself. “That’s ...” And then I remember what happened at this time so many years ago, and I want to run to the bathroom and let go.

Now that I’ve gotten through another of these “anniversaries”, I want to share with you why I call it my Thanksgiving Flu:

To begin, I survived seven years at the hands of abuse from a violent, violent man. How violent? In addition to the beatings I suffered, my ex almost beat to death my 18-month-old Golden Retriever puppy. Fortunately, I managed to get my dog out of the house only to have my ex steal my other dog, Brandy. No one could help me, not even the police. And I lived everyday for six weeks in fear of finding pieces of Brandy on my front porch. Six weeks later, a judge ordered my dog returned to me. The pick-up was arranged at a mutual friend’s apartment, and by some miracle, Brandy was returned unhurt ... on Thanksgiving night.

I thought that would be the end of my torment. How naive I was. In fact, it was only the beginning of five years – five years! – of my being stalked. Now, the anniversary of that night comes and goes; sometimes with an uneventful remembering and acknowledging. Other years -- like this year – I catch a bad case of the Thanksgiving Flu. And the events of that awful night come flooding back. In case you’re wondering, though, I’m feeling a lot better now.

Pamela

Most Dangerous Place for Workplace Shootings and Assaults

2008-11-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

I’m so frustrated. Week after week, I add still more accounts of women assaulted, kidnapped, even killed, in or near their workplace by a violent ex-boyfriend or husband. And there just seems to be no end to these sad, horrible stories. One recent assault even happened after the woman was escorted to her car by her employer’s security guard. And in another state, a woman’s co-worker was punched by the abuser when he tried to help the victim. If you are in a violent relationship, I cannot stress too often the importance of telling your employer the truth about your violent relationship. If a woman works, then perpetrators and abusers know where to find their victims at least 40 hours a week. Your life and maybe the lives of your co-workers are in jeopardy by the actions of a violent man. Please let others help you in your quest to be safe. Tell your boss.

Pamela

Texas Nonprofit Wages Ad War Against Domestic Violence

2008-11-06T18:09:00.000-08:00

Everything about Texas is big. And now they’ve launched a big ... and very controversial ... war against domestic violence. Beginning last month, nearly 350 Dallas city buses began carrying a series of illustrated public service ads calling attention to DV. The ads show the innocent faces of a young boy and girl. Above the girl’s photo the headline reads, “One day my husband will kill me.” And above the boy’s photo, it reads, “When I grow up, I will beat my wife.” So, has this campaign attracted any attention? Are you kidding? “The calls (for help and support) are more than we can handle,” according to the director of the family support agency that initiated the campaign.

Now for the controversy: Glenn Sacks, a representative of a Massachusetts-based advocacy group calling itself Fathers & Families, is indignant. He says the bus ads unfairly “stereotype men as batterers and women as just victims of DV”. And one Canadian columnist writes, “ the juxtaposition of the fresh-faced innocence of childhood with words that evoke violence and hatred between the sexes is viscerally distressing, because no child should be thinking such thoughts, let alone speaking them aloud without shame."

I don't get it. Are these ads shocking because they SHOW reality, or because most people don’t want to SEE the reality?

Pamela

Update on workplace shooting of abused North Carolina mom

2008-10-28T17:55:00.000-07:00

It’s been 11 months since a North Carolina woman separated from her abusive ex-husband was shot and critically wounded by him in a parking lot near her workplace. The shooting occurred as the man handed off the couple’s two young daughters, who watched in horror as their mother was shot at close range. The ex-husband fled, and hasn’t been seen since. The victim – Dolores Azucena Del Rio, age 29 – survived the attack, and this month was the recipient of two awards by the Peace at Work Foundation in Raleigh, North Carolina. Of the attack, Dolores said, “I can still remember the fire that came from the gun.” Editor’s note: As you will notice from several other Workplace Incidents, employee parking lots are increasingly dangerous places for women in domestic violence relationships. It is unclear whether the co-workers or management were aware of Ms. Del Rio’s situation. But if human resources are made aware, safety precautions can be implemented both for the victim and for her co-workers.

Pamela

The Economy & Domestic Violence: Danger Ahead

2008-10-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

It’s only been six weeks since I posted my concern here about what effect the downturn in the economy might have on domestic violence. Now six weeks later – following the Wall Street meltdown and the government bailout – my worst fears are coming true. Jerry Dyer, chief of police in the central California town of Fresno, reports that a 14-day period following the economic turmoil has seen an 87 percent increase in family violence in his community. 87 percent! Says Chief Dyer, "We do fully anticipate that as the economy continues to turn downward, and as our unemployment rate rises and people continue to have financial problems within the home, we’re going to see an increase in domestic violence because that problem comes into the family." And he might have added that just as economic pressures are reflected in violence at home, that same violence is carried into the workplace. As I wrote earlier, rising gas and grocery prices will lead to more anger and drinking and battering. In short, the worse the economy gets the more unsafe women will be.

Pamela

Victims Rights VS. Perpetrators Rights

2008-10-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

Years ago, as I was fleeing from an abusive stalker and searching for a way to be safe, I considered applying for Washington State’s Address Confidentiality Program. I didn’t register for it, though. It didn’t work for me because I didn’t trust that my new identity would remain secret. And now some women in Oregon have to worry about the same thing. Here’s what happened: This past summer, a judge in Oregon’s Multnomah County (Portland) weighed the rights of victims against the rights of individuals accused of a crime. And his ruling was devastating because it had the effect of ending the right of confidentiality for victims of domestic violence. As a result, Oregon brought to a screeching halt a special anti-domestic violence program. They had hoped to start this program up again last Wednesday, October 01 in time for Domestic Violence Awareness month. It will not happen. The debate on victim’s-rights-versus-the-rights-of-the-accused is not unique to Oregon. Some states afford victim’s advocates confidentiality privileges akin to that of attorney-client or doctor-patient privilege but not Oregon ... and many other states.
How are the confidentiality laws written in your state for advocates, organizations and victims?

Pamela

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2008-10-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

As a kick-off for our local DV Awareness month, our agency held a luncheon. The theme was Get On the Peace Train. A Sixties-theme event with music, tie-dyed t-shirts, faux protest signs and conversations punctuated with “far out, cool and peace. " There was even the ever-present aroma of the Sixties: patchouli oil perfume. And as befits the Sixties, there were speeches; moving speeches from domestic violence survivors, law enforcement, and agency board members. Community awards were given to deserving individuals. And, at each table, an empty chair was draped in white and purple to honor a woman who lost her life to domestic violence. It was a great turnout that day. But we were preaching to the choir. I wonder what the abusers would say if they were in the audience?

They Just Don’t Get It or Do They?

2008-09-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

I’ve spent years researching, lecturing, volunteering, and writing about domestic violence.
But this month, I had a first: a chance to speak to a roomful of domestic violence perpetrators. A woman’s shelter knowing of my work – and knowing that I, too, had once been a victim – invited me to give a short talk to about 50 DV perpetrators as a part of a court-mandated treatment program.
My first reaction was, “What! 50 violent men all in one room?” But my fears were eased a little when I learned that the program would be conducted in a police precinct meeting room.
Considering my own past, and the work I’ve done, I thought I would never want to be in the same room with perpetrators let alone speak to them. I mean, I just didn’t care who they were, what happened to them, how long their sentences were, or what they had to do to stay out of jail. And I still don’t.
But the invitation was tempting. And a challenge. The host organization even warned me that my audience of perpetrators – most of them men, but some women, too – believe THEY are “the real victims,” of domestic violence, and that THEY have done nothing wrong! And if that wasn’t enough of a challenge I was given 20 minutes to impart some “pearl of wisdom” that would change a lifetime of violent thinking and behavior. The assumption being that if they “get it,” they will stop the violence.
Well, I gave the presentation a couple of nights ago. The eyes of 50 perpetrators were on me, and I did manage to hold my own. I told them about my work, about victims I had written about, and what DV meant to me as a survivor.
As I watched my audience’s reactions, I connected to a few eyes in the room. But did it change things ... for even one perpetrator? I don't know. I mean, what do you say to a room filled with abusive men if your goal is to change the way they think about DV?

What would you have told them?

Pamela

GPS Stalking Devices

2008-09-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

I don’t consider myself a “guru of technology” but recently my job necessitated purchasing a GPS for my car. As a survivor of the older technology of stalking (meaning pre GPS) I became suddenly aware of how this might raise all kinds of safety issues for “unsafe women.” trying to go about their daily lives. And this does not begin to address the new dangers for women with cell phones that contain a GPS system.
I have already heard of a women being stalked by her ex-husband. He placed a GPS device on her car. He then went to his work and was able to track her car from his employer’s computer.
How are the new technologies affecting your ability to stay safe?

Pamela

Domestic Violence and the Economy

2008-09-06T19:08:00.000-07:00

Will unemployment and a downturn in the economy cause an increase in domestic violence?
Yes, says Linda Blozie, a spokeswoman for the Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence. In fact, in a news report last month, Linda says the impact is already showing up in the rising number of women who are making their way to shelters for abused women in her state.
I agree with Linda. I think the stress of unemployment, and rising gas and grocery prices, will lead to more anger and drinking and battering, and that we’re going to read about more incidents where husbands and boyfriends bring their violence to the workplace ...
When the need for abused women’s shelters and services goes up the contributions that keep the shelters running goes down with a slowing economy. Let me know if this has already affected your ability to either deliver or attain services in your local communities?
Drugs, stress, unemployment and alcohol do not cause domestic violence but they can contribute to the lethality. Has the down turn in this economy affected the violence in your relationship?

Pamela